Outdated media can keep its sexiest men and women of the year awards, because the world finally has a winner of one of the internet’s most controversial beauty contests: the Tumblr sexyman awards. And this winner Sans from Survive. Long may he reign.
If you’re at a loss for words and desperately need me to explain, let me. Twitter user sexymanOTD just played host to the Tumblr Sexyman Tournament, a fierce popularity contest in which the denizens of the Internet vote for a fictional character who perfectly embodies a niche sexiness worthy of the hellish site known as Tumblr.
If you’re not internet poisoned enough to know, “Tumblr sexy man” is slang for fictional characters, usually with bean-bag physiques and theatrical childish bravado, that Tumblr people find unusually attractive. Brackets for this recent tournament included likes Raymond from Animal Crossing: New Horizons, Nagita Kamaeda from Danganronpaand Regen Arataka from Mob Psycho 100.
“I hate some of these characters and I hope they are destroyed. The winner will be taken to Baskin Robbins and receive a small cone. My treat” sexymanOTD responded in a Twitter thread before adding that they hope Regen sweeps. Folks, we have an unbiased tournament participant. There is nothing to see here.
It was fitting that the Suns won the whole damn thing, considering Surviveof Tumblr’s legendary popularity, but winning it was difficult. so many Survive creator Toby Fox posted a short story chronicles the historic moment when Sun snatched victory from his grasp Regen’s flexible butt dump truck.
Fox’s Staging of Sans’ Tumblr Sexyman Triumph Hell Could’ve Been an Episode Mob Psycho 100 because it’s pretty on the money with a picture of a psychic con artist and his ward cut into a bowl. Essentially, Reagan, dismayed by how close the free-for-all Internet contest is, concocts something brutal, resorting to a kind of bimfaking to lure voters. However, skele-boy still kicks ass in the popular vote. Before Regen can yell “Stop the count” the results are in and he’s lost. To his credit, it was a tight race, with Reagan taking 49.9% of the vote.
But Toby isn’t just a hack who will spin a basic yarn. No, he goes out of his way to (fictionally) dox the (imaginary) swing voter who cost Reagan the loss: Mob Psycho 100 protag Shigeo “The Crowd” Kageyama. But listen, the crowd’s reasoning for voting Sans wasn’t malicious.
In fact, it was just adorable: Mob reasoned that sexy men on Tumblr were unattractive, and he didn’t want his fearless leader to do an impression of himself by listening to what others thought of him and trying to win the competition. God, who’s cutting onions here? Mob is a good egg. And he might also think Sans is unattractive. Don’t shoot the messenger, it just came from the mind of Fox himself. Take it with him.
Regen’s loss also marks the end of his winning streak in a number of similar online tournaments held on Twitter this year. Regen sits atop the mountain of less successful cartoon and video game characters, winning both twink-off and diff of championships this year. Regen’s cult of personality was so undeniable that he was rejected from the next one “The Tournament of Miserable Men” because voters feared he would #reigensweep them too. Congratulations to James from Pokemon by the way.
Beyond Fox’s retelling of San’s upset, Regen’s loss was inevitable. You see, Tumblr’s knowledge of sexy men runs deep, so deep that it has its own wiki page that ranks fictional characters by class. San’s victory over Regen is a no-brainer, according to Sexipedia wiki. You see, Sans is rated as an Apollyon, the upper echelon of sex-ed, whose influence extends beyond their own brands and takes on new life. Sans shares this distinction with Anceler from The Lorax. (Don’t look for it. You can thank me later.)
Meanwhile, Regen, according to fan logic, had no chance, because he is an Archon, which is only Al Gore’s second-highest rated sexiest category on the internet. Unlike Apollyon, the sex appeal of Archon men never surpasses the popularity of the media from which they originate. So, bad match. The more you know.
Read more: Survive: Kotaku Review
Since its release in 2015, Survive has become a household name in the gaming community. Surviveinfluence became so undeniable that even the Pope’s ears were decorated with loud cries of “Megalovania” in the holy halls of the Vatican. Although Fox announced on Twitter that there is there will be no new chapters for his 2018 RPG Deltaruna in celebration Surviveanniversary, he promised something special next week. Whatever the case, fans can rest easy knowing that their little skeleton has become Tumblr’s undisputed sexiest. Enjoy Baskin Robbins. You deserve it, champ.